Stay In Your Lane

High school student-athletes hear a lot about the principles of sportsmanship. The Educational Framework for Athletics, which is promoted by Section XI, the governing body of high school sports in Suffolk County, provides a set of guidelines to “help schools develop, enhance and implement quality educationally oriented athletic programs” that can help “promote positive values and behaviors through interscholastic athletics.”

These sorts of initiatives emphasize support for fellow athletes, respect for officials, and reverence for teachers and coaches. They include meaningful life lessons for young athletes, the kind that make scholastic sports programs part of the curriculum, and part of training young people for adulthood.

But the messages can be lost in the heat of competition. For as long as sports have been played, a win-at-all-costs mentality has the potential to cause irreparable harm, throwing sportsmanship out the window. That’s especially regretful when the athletes are impressionable young people.

A long-tenured volleyball coach at Pierson High School resigned from her position earlier this month, blaming what she described as routine harassment from a family that included one of her own players. The coach, Donna Fischer, who led the Whalers to two appearances in the New York State Final Four during her career, said a former player also was harassed and bullied by the same family during her time with the team, and in the time that followed. The player felt threatened enough following a game in September to file an incident report with the Sag Harbor Village Police Department, although specific criminal charges were never filed.

Unfortunately, it was not an isolated incident. Coaches from districts throughout the East End have been forced out of positions by overzealous parents, or students who were unhappy with the culture of their respective programs. The national narrative about “helicopter parents” meddling in their kids’ sports programs grew to a roar in recent years as too many parents sought to micromanage situations to the benefit of their child — often to the detriment of other kids, and even some coaches.

High school coaches, like those in college and the pros, should understand that they might need to adjust their methods to deal with a specific team or player. A mark of a good coach is knowing how to deal with uncomfortable run-ins, and how to calm a situation rather than bring on additional turmoil. A good coach, like a good parent, should shelter athletes from outside abuse whenever possible.

Parents need to stay in their lane, as well. If they see an issue, a quiet and respectful conversation with the coach or a district administrator is an acceptable path forward. Publicly berating or sowing doubt and mistrust among a team and its players is not only counterproductive but damaging.

Parents should be realistic about what their child’s talents and college prospects are, and also understand what high school sports are supposed to be. It’s not the primary job of a school district to be a launching pad for college athletes. Varsity coaches have a responsibility to try to win games, and to identify the most skilled players on their teams, but they’re also expected to provide an enjoyable and valuable experience for everyone involved — including kids who won’t go on to win college scholarships. Balancing those competing responsibilities isn’t always easy, but what one parent wants for one athlete, no matter how talented, should never drive the overall decision-making.

In the wake of another parent-versus-coach issue, it’s worth asking: Do parents treat band and orchestra teachers in a similar way? Or the director of the school play? Or is just that there has always been something about sports that brings out a particular kind of behavior in parents? Do they have some deep, evolutionary urge to produce children with physical prowess, and an urge to develop it at all costs?

We might need someone with a Ph.D. in sociology and biology to figure that out. In the meantime, parents already have enough on their plates — let’s let coaches coach, players play, and officials officiate.